


In a Hat

by Pseudonymous_Elusa



Category: Llamas with Hats (Web Series), Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Actually yes I am, Here we go..., I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Tried, I hate this already, I'm Not Ashamed, I'm so sorry, My First Work in This Fandom, Roman kills people too, Virgil kills people, also i'm bad at tagging, deceit kills people, everyone who reads this deserves an apology, it's safe to assume that they all kill people, total crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 14:42:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15888117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pseudonymous_Elusa/pseuds/Pseudonymous_Elusa
Summary: AKA "The one where it's just Sanders Sides as Llamas in Hats, and The Author is Sorry." (I think that's all the explanation required here. And yes, I regret this already. Here goes nothing...)





	1. In which Virgil has been busy

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I really am sorry about this. Yes, it's a disaster. But I can't just not DO it, you know? I want you all to hate this idea as much as I do, if not more. Also, to laugh as hard as I did when I thought of it.

Logan walked into the living room. It wasn't the mindscape's living room, either, but Thomas's actual living room in his actual house. Normally, none of the sides would be here unless Thomas was making a Sanders Sides video, but they'd collectively decided (meaning Patton and Logan had decided, and the others had reluctantly agreed) to manifest outside the mindscape while Thomas on a date. That way, he could still draw on their functions, but wouldn't be distracted by their ceaseless bickering.

Logan stopped as he crossed threshold, took a few moments to process the state of the room, (Virgil sprawled on the couch, the dim glow from his phone illuminating his face, blood spattered  _everywhere_ , and a dead body lying on the stairs) before he finally spoke. "Virgil?" The other side glanced up from his phone, apparently completely at ease with the situation. "There is a dead human in our house."

Virgil looked up, as if he were just now noticing the bloodless corpse taking up his usual seat. His eyes widened in feigned surprise. "Oh hey, how did he get here?" 

Unimpressed, Logan raised an eyebrow. "Virgil, what did you _do_?"

"Me?" He sputtered in outrage, sounding more like Roman by the moment. "I didn't do this!"

Logan crossed his arms. "Explain what happened, Virgil."

"I've never seen him before in my life!" Virgil finally put his phone away and sat up, displaying that he, too, was covered in blood.

"Why did you kill this person, Virgil?"

He rolled his eyes, placed his hand over his chest, and recited "I do not kill people. That is... That is my least favorite thing to do."

Logan was not amused. "Tell me, Virgil, _exactly_ what you were doing before I got here."

Virgil sighed. "Alright, well, I, I was downstairs here..."

"Okay..."

"I was, uh, I was sitting on the couch..." 

"Yes..."

"Making a Tumblr post..."

Logan was starting to get impatient. "Go on..."

"And, uh, will this guy walked in..." Virgil fidgeted with the hem of his sleeve, not making eye contact.

"Okay..."

"So i went up to him..."

"Yes?"

"And I, uh, I stabbed him thirty-seven times in the chest."

Logan paused a moment, making sure he heard his fellow side correctly. "Virgil! That  _kills_ people!"

Virgil put on a surprised expression. "Oh! Oh, wow, I *heh* I didn't know that!"

"Virgil! How could you not know that?"

"Yeah, I'm in the wrong here. I suck." Virgil moved to pull his phone out again, but something in Logan's expression stopped him.

Logan, having stopped Virgil from dismissing the conversation entirely, decided to look over the corpse more closely. "What happened to his hands?"

Virgil looked up from his phone again, having pulled it out as soon as Logan's eyes left him. "What's that?"

Logan rolled his eyes, and testily repeated, "His hands! Why- Why are they missing?"

"Well, I, uh, I kind of, uh, cooked them up. And ate them."

Now it was Logan's turn to look surprised, though his expression was genuine. "Virgil!" He sounded absolutely horrified.

Virgil decided to try and defend his decision. "Well, I was hungry, and, you- you know, when- when you crave hands, that's-"

Having apparently regained his voice, Logan interrupted. " _Why_ on _earth_ would you do that?"

"I was hungry for hands! Give me a break!" Virgil was becoming visibly frustrated with Logan's interrogation. It wasn't that hard to understand!

"Virgil!"

He decided to try to paraphrase something's Roman had about Crofters jam earlier that week with the hopes that it would make Logan understand where he was coming from. "My stomach was makin' the rumblies-"

Logan was glaring now. "Virgil!"

"-that only hands would satisfy."

"What is  _wrong_ with you, Virgil?" 

Virgil smirked, aware that he'd won the argument. (if you could call it that) "Well, I- I kill people and I eat hands, that's- that's two things."

...

"You do realize you have to clean this up before Thomas gets home, right?"

"Yeah, Logan, I'll get rid of all the evidence and everything, I promise."

"Good."

 


	2. In which Thomas has a wild imagination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Episode two, in which adventures are had Virgil doesn't kill people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...But wait, there's more! After all, Virgil's not the only side I tagged as a murderer!
> 
> Also, if you can point out the connection between the background action that makes a one-on-one scenario possible by distracting the other characters, and the sides involved each scene, you get a prize. Not sure what it is yet, but you'll get one.

Virgil didn't always join Roman when the other invited him into the imagination, but when he did, it was always an adventure. Roman always tried to set up something relaxing, but things rarely went according to plan. For example, what had started as a fantastical cruise, complete with a magic spa, had somehow evolved into the two of them sitting in a dirty yellow inflatable lifeboat while the remains of the ship burned behind them.

If Thomas had decided to write the script on his own, or with just his closest friends, Roman and Virgil's input would have been welcome. Instead, he'd invited his newest friend to help, which meant the sided had to stay out of sight. Roman had taken their unexpected free time to drag Virgil "on a wonderful trip you'll  _never_ forget, cookies 'n' scream, come on, please?" 

And now they were here. Roman was right about one thing. Virgil would never forget the experience. "Roman! What on _earth_ was all that?"

Roman glanced around nonchalantly. "I'm not sure what you're referring to."

"You _sunk_ an entire  _cruise_ ship, Roman!" 

Virgil's glare might have affected Roman, had he been less accustomed to being on the recieving end of it. He checked his fingernails for trapped dirt or dust. "Are you sure that was me? I- I would think I would remember something like that."

Virgil crossed his and intensified his glare. "Roman, I watched you fire a harpoon into the captain's face!"

Roman smirked, still not making eye contact with Virgil. "That sounds dangerous."

"You were headbutting children off the side of the ship!" He was beginning to punctuate his sentences with small, sharp gestures.

Roman's smirk turned into a fully-fledged grin. "That, uh, that must have been horrifying to watch."

"And _then_ you started making out with the ice sculptures!"

Roman finally looked up from his nails - which were immaculate, as always - and grinned, punctuating his sentence with dramatic gestures of his own. "Well, thank  _God_ that the children weren't on board to see it!"

Virgil broke eye contact with Roman in a doomed effort to remain serious while surrounded with so much imaginary carnage. He then noticed something and paused, glancing back at Roman. "Roman, why is the lifeboat all red and sticky?"

Roman's smile widened. "Woah, I guess you could say it is red and sticky!"

Virgil frowned, redoubling his efforts to glare Roman into submission. "Roman, what are we standing in?"

"Would you believe it's strawberry milkshake?" asked Roman with a sly glance in Virgil's direction.

Virgil rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "No, I would not believe that."

"Uh, melted gumdrops?"

"No..."

"Boat nectar?"

"No!" Virgil was getting more frustrated by the moment.

"Some of God's tears?"

"Tell me the truth, Roman!"

Suddenly and forcefully reminded of their deceitful counterpart, Roman sighed. "Fine! It's the lovely elderly couple from 2B!"

Virgil looked horrified. " _Roman!_ "

This time it was Roman who broke eye contact. "Well, they were, uh, they were takin' all the crescent rolls!"

Virgil's frustrated gestures got a little larger. "I can't  _believe_ what I'm hearing!"

Roman scoffed, sticking his nose the air. "I will not apologise for art!"

Seeing that this particular topic of 'discussion' wouldn't go much further, Virgil changed course. "Where are the other lifeboats?"

Roman's eyes widened. "Woah, you won the prize, I didn't even notice that!"

Virgil glared up at him through his bangs. "Where are the other lifeboats, Roman?"

"Looking at the trajectory of the moon and the sun, probably at the bottom of the ocean." Roman fingered the hilt of sword. "I poked lots of holes in them."

"Roman!"

Roman struggled to stifle a smile. "I have a problem. I have a serious problem."

Virgil was also losing a battle with his own laughter. "You are just terrible today!"

"Shhhh! You hear that?" They both listen for a moment. (surf, screams, and the screech of twisting metal) "That's the sound of forgiveness."

Virgil schooled his featured into a disapproving glare. "That's the sound of people drowning, Roman."

"That," Roman smiled, "is what forgiveness sounds like. Screaming, and then silence."

...

Roman reached over to nudge Virgil. "Hey, I did promise you an unforgettable experience."

Virgil smiled. "Yeah, you sure did. Not the kind of experience I was expecting, but when is it ever, with you, right?"

"Right. I think if we head back now, Patton might offer us cookies. You in?"

"Absolutely."


End file.
